Make Believe

When I was a little girl, I would pretend that I was a mommy and that which ever doll I currently considered my favorite, was my sweet little baby.

I would pretend that I was making dinner and my baby was "sleeping" and I was waiting for the Daddy to come home.

I loved playing "house". Pretending.

Now I pretend that I don't want children. I pretend that I'm content and complete without a baby sleeping in the spare room that would make a perfect nursery.... waiting for my husband, who would be a great daddy, to come home.

I'll me 30 in 3 months and 17 days. 30 years old... and I'm still playing make believe.

nothing is different -- I'm still stuck.

There are days when I feel so overwhelmed with my emotions - times when I feel there is no way I can bare my load a second longer. I feel alone in this. My husband is a part of this, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I can't just be OK with all of this -- all of these emotions. It seems like my hubby can just let it roll off him, he will be upset for about an hour - and then he's back to baseline. Me, on the other hand, I can't move past it!

I know people mean well -- I know that they do, but it's so hard to listen - I end up feeling stung.

throwing in the towel.

So, I tested. This morning. Negative.

Not really surprised. I think I'm approaching the "throw in the towel" moment. Everybody has to have a point where they say "ENOUGH." But will I ever feel like enough is, well, enough? I don't know.

Here's my WHOA-WHO NEEDS A PSYCH EVAL moment of the day --- I took the "What To Expect" book and slammed it as hard as I could on the ground. And it felt nice. The damn book was mocking me -- showing me all that I couldn't have. And I felt real joy in throwing it down.

I'm going to have a nice big glass of wine, or two... or three... and enjoy it. And savor it. And know that there are lots of big o' pregnant women out there who can't enjoy a glass of wine. And so what if I spend the next 365 days envying them... for tonight, I'll let myself go.

I know that disappointment is a part of life. I believe it, I do. I believe that we have to experience disappointment in order to fully appreciate and enjoy what we are given. I could preach it to somebody if I needed to.... but today, I can't accept it. Today I want to wallow around in self pity. I want to wrap myself up in it. Wallow. I want to Wallow. I feel cheated. Like I was given some big cosmic sign that everything was in place and ready to go - that I would finally (FINALLY) see my wishes/dreams come true. Only, the joke was on me. That it was never really meant to be and that I was not seeing THE BIG PICTURE as I'd hoped - that it wasn't a sign from God that it was time to turn 2 into 3 - but instead, it was my own desire. I was projecting. I'm starting my next cycle. And I'm not optimistic. Not like I was the first time. As a matter of fact I feel like this, too, is a waste. Here's what I do know: Life isn't fair. and it isn't easy. And sometimes we just have to "man up" and keep going. Even when we want to wallow. Even when we want to snarl at people who offer us advice on how to get where we're going. We just have to keep going. Keep driving and pushing in the direction of our dreams. And disappointment, I guess, is just a rest stop along the way.

so... I go in for a blood drawn in the morning, but I know what the results are going to be... I've already taken A LOT (too many, more than I will admit to) HPT. all of them a BFN. I have possibly the worst cramps EVER. I want to cry.

My mind - my whole life - has been consumed by baby making. It's all I talk about. It's ALL I think about. I'm consumed by it.... and I'm annoying myself. My 2 week wait starts today.

May Day!

My nurse called me -- trigger shot tonight! My husband gave it to me about 10 minutes ago - and it wasn't bad. Now it's time to get to work! :) Will this be our month?