today was spent having a really good religious debate/discussion with a man who really knows his bible-stuff. He asked me a loaded question, a question that I've yet to shake...he asked me:
if you never have a baby, will you still be able to believe in God?
and I can't answer that. I want to say that yes, yes I will still believe. Still Love. Still desire Him. --- but in the back of my mind is that small voice that says: but you'll be resentful. But you'll have angst. You'll be even more discouraged.
I hate that I'm starting my year feeling discouragement. But this is hard journey and it takes a toll on me.
I love the question that he asked you. I mean REALLY love it. I want to hug him for asking you that.
ReplyDeleteIt's not starting your year off with angst. it is starting your year off on a quest of discovering the L-rd. It is a path that only you can walk. It is hard, and full of tests, but one of the most beautiful and empowering pathes you will ever take. Remember, the stumbling blocks you will trip and fall over are not placed there by G-d. Ask for their removal, and it will be done. I can stand FIRM and unwaivering on that fact. Ask Him to remove what is causing you frustration. To bring you closer to Him, and it WILL be done. And the little voice that says "you will be resentful" I heard that voice, too. I wrestled with it. I fought it. I cried from it. I finally told it to leave me be. And before it left, it got stronger. Guess what? G-d removed that, too. The journey isn't easy, but you know what? I am here for you. I cannot tell you how to walk this path. BUT, I WILL be walking it beside you, too. The thing I discovered about G-d, when you feel furtherest from Him, is when He is the closest to you. I look back on the trials I had (You remember them I am sure, honestly put, I was an asshole. I was so deep in my frustration, my confusion, my pain. It made me an asshole.) I see that every breath was a prayer. I see now, that He was there, removing the trash from my path. It strengthened my soul, it grounded me in my faith. So, 8 years later, when tragedy came to me, instead of blaming G-d. I saw G-d everywhere I looked. In the arms of strangers, in the eyes of a nurse, in the gentle words of my doctor, in the love of my husband, in a hug from my sister at the airport. (PLUS, just incase you need to know, I've been praying for you EVERY single day, and that will NOT stop.)