everywhere...

babies (specifically twins) are EVERY WHERE. I swear, I pick up a book that has NOTHING to do with fertility, and the main character delivers twins. I turn on a movie, and the woman has twins. I flip through a magazine, and there is a section about twins. I get Chinese food, and my fortune cookie is two cookies in one package - twins?

We joke that doing fertility treatments will give us multiples.

I said "JOKE".

but I wonder....

I just wonder.....

....and I kind of hope.

and even though I freak out at the thought of it all, I think, it wouldn't be so bad.

today was spent having a really good religious debate/discussion with a man who really knows his bible-stuff. He asked me a loaded question, a question that I've yet to shake...he asked me:

if you never have a baby, will you still be able to believe in God?

and I can't answer that. I want to say that yes, yes I will still believe. Still Love. Still desire Him. --- but in the back of my mind is that small voice that says: but you'll be resentful. But you'll have angst. You'll be even more discouraged.

I hate that I'm starting my year feeling discouragement. But this is hard journey and it takes a toll on me.

the last day of the year

this is it for 2011.

I pray that 2012 is the year that we turn into a family.

stuck.

We were moving right along. One test after another. And then we came to a screeching halt.
2011 will not be the year that I conceive. I know it sounds stupid, and I know that if things had gone as I had originally planned, I still would not have conceived in 2011. But it just felt so much like I would. It seemed like fate/nature/God/whoever pulls the puppet strings, was giving me such a green light.

My insurance (who I had previously been singing praises for) had denied my medication. So... now my only options are IUI or IVF (or pay out of pocket, which we can't do).

I'm going to call my RE to set up an appointment to discuss IUI. I'm finding it hard to keep up my positive thoughts. I feel discouragement lurking around every corner.

I kept help but think: I turned 29 this year. And I thought I'd be pregnant by now.

testing... testing... 1...2...

On Tuesday I went in for my day 3 blood work and first trans-vaginal US.

It took her FOR-EV-ER to find my left ovary. And it was really, really uncomfortable. She kept apologizing because it was causing so much pain. But she finally found it.

Blood work was within normal limits and the US was unremarkable. It did show what we'd expected a TON of follicles -- 43! Which completely confirmed the PCOS.

Tomorrow I go for my HSG. I'm kind of stressing about it. I've never had it done before (obviously), and do not know what to expect. I hear it can be painful.

But it's all one more step on the way to pregnancy.

I did start my prenatal vitamins... yuck. They make me burp. Which really isn't all that attractive and that seems kind of counterproductive. "hello lover {BURP}". Niiiice.

I'm mushy over my husband...

Last night the hubby and I went out to dinner (Veteran's could eat free at Applebees -- happy Veteran's Day to my hubby). He spotted a baby in the restaurant and he squeezed my hand and said "Did you see the baby?"

I love that he is loves babies. I love that he wants a little one of our own. I love knowing, with out doubt, that he will be a great father. I can't wait for the day when I get to see him holding and loving on our baby. Sigh....

Oh an exciting note my period decided to show up -- ON IT'S OWN! Without the add of Provera! I have my blood work and US scheduled for Monday! I thought I wouldn't have a cycle this month - and I'd be scheduling my blood work in December!

Our Appointment!

Our appointment went so well today! Now we have a real plan - a map - a sense of direction.

This is the plan:

I will start the Prenatal Vitamins this week. Hubby is going to deposit his sample this week (heehee). And we will start the genetic testing ASAP (we've opted for just me to be tested at this point, if I don't carry any of the genetic mutation traits, then there is no need for hubby to be tested. If I have any of the traits, we'll test him. And if he has the traits, too, then we'll figure out what we want to do).
It takes up to 3 wks for the results to come back. In the meantime, we will continue doing what we've been doing -- planning for Germany.

While I am in Germany, I'm going to start the 10 day dose of Provera to jump start my period. I'll start it - and then when I get back, my period should show up - and then I'll do the blood work and the HSG test (dye test).

Then... we wait. We wait to see what those results show.
If we do not have any questions then we will move on the step 2 --- our Injection Class. (as my hubby thinks he would feel more comfortable having an instructor show him how to shoot his wife!)

And then, we'll start Clomid.

I feel relieved that we actually have a plan - a real plan. And now I know that there is a "BIG picture" after all.


this is the beginning of a very big adventure, and I have one heck of man to take this journey this with. :)