I know that disappointment is a part of life. I believe it, I do. I believe that we have to experience disappointment in order to fully appreciate and enjoy what we are given. I could preach it to somebody if I needed to.... but today, I can't accept it. Today I want to wallow around in self pity. I want to wrap myself up in it. Wallow. I want to Wallow. I feel cheated. Like I was given some big cosmic sign that everything was in place and ready to go - that I would finally (FINALLY) see my wishes/dreams come true. Only, the joke was on me. That it was never really meant to be and that I was not seeing THE BIG PICTURE as I'd hoped - that it wasn't a sign from God that it was time to turn 2 into 3 - but instead, it was my own desire. I was projecting. I'm starting my next cycle. And I'm not optimistic. Not like I was the first time. As a matter of fact I feel like this, too, is a waste. Here's what I do know: Life isn't fair. and it isn't easy. And sometimes we just have to "man up" and keep going. Even when we want to wallow. Even when we want to snarl at people who offer us advice on how to get where we're going. We just have to keep going. Keep driving and pushing in the direction of our dreams. And disappointment, I guess, is just a rest stop along the way.

so... I go in for a blood drawn in the morning, but I know what the results are going to be... I've already taken A LOT (too many, more than I will admit to) HPT. all of them a BFN. I have possibly the worst cramps EVER. I want to cry.

My mind - my whole life - has been consumed by baby making. It's all I talk about. It's ALL I think about. I'm consumed by it.... and I'm annoying myself. My 2 week wait starts today.

May Day!

My nurse called me -- trigger shot tonight! My husband gave it to me about 10 minutes ago - and it wasn't bad. Now it's time to get to work! :) Will this be our month?

my new full time job...

Going to the fertility clinic for ultrasounds and blood work has become my new full time job! I go every other day - or more recently DAILY! My husband has been able to go with me a few times and each time he's with me my numbers are better -- coincidence? Things are finally moving toward the IUI, thankfully. This TTC process has been more emotional than I had realized it would be. I knew it would have it's ups and downs, I just didn't realize that it would have so many ups and downs in the same day -- in the same hour! Good news/bad news/happy/sad/scared/relieved. Ahhh... it's hard work! The good news is I have a 17 mm follicle in my R ovary! A few more mm and it's "go time"!