Make Believe

When I was a little girl, I would pretend that I was a mommy and that which ever doll I currently considered my favorite, was my sweet little baby.

I would pretend that I was making dinner and my baby was "sleeping" and I was waiting for the Daddy to come home.

I loved playing "house". Pretending.

Now I pretend that I don't want children. I pretend that I'm content and complete without a baby sleeping in the spare room that would make a perfect nursery.... waiting for my husband, who would be a great daddy, to come home.

I'll me 30 in 3 months and 17 days. 30 years old... and I'm still playing make believe.

nothing is different -- I'm still stuck.

There are days when I feel so overwhelmed with my emotions - times when I feel there is no way I can bare my load a second longer. I feel alone in this. My husband is a part of this, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I can't just be OK with all of this -- all of these emotions. It seems like my hubby can just let it roll off him, he will be upset for about an hour - and then he's back to baseline. Me, on the other hand, I can't move past it!

I know people mean well -- I know that they do, but it's so hard to listen - I end up feeling stung.

throwing in the towel.

So, I tested. This morning. Negative.

Not really surprised. I think I'm approaching the "throw in the towel" moment. Everybody has to have a point where they say "ENOUGH." But will I ever feel like enough is, well, enough? I don't know.

Here's my WHOA-WHO NEEDS A PSYCH EVAL moment of the day --- I took the "What To Expect" book and slammed it as hard as I could on the ground. And it felt nice. The damn book was mocking me -- showing me all that I couldn't have. And I felt real joy in throwing it down.

I'm going to have a nice big glass of wine, or two... or three... and enjoy it. And savor it. And know that there are lots of big o' pregnant women out there who can't enjoy a glass of wine. And so what if I spend the next 365 days envying them... for tonight, I'll let myself go.

I know that disappointment is a part of life. I believe it, I do. I believe that we have to experience disappointment in order to fully appreciate and enjoy what we are given. I could preach it to somebody if I needed to.... but today, I can't accept it. Today I want to wallow around in self pity. I want to wrap myself up in it. Wallow. I want to Wallow. I feel cheated. Like I was given some big cosmic sign that everything was in place and ready to go - that I would finally (FINALLY) see my wishes/dreams come true. Only, the joke was on me. That it was never really meant to be and that I was not seeing THE BIG PICTURE as I'd hoped - that it wasn't a sign from God that it was time to turn 2 into 3 - but instead, it was my own desire. I was projecting. I'm starting my next cycle. And I'm not optimistic. Not like I was the first time. As a matter of fact I feel like this, too, is a waste. Here's what I do know: Life isn't fair. and it isn't easy. And sometimes we just have to "man up" and keep going. Even when we want to wallow. Even when we want to snarl at people who offer us advice on how to get where we're going. We just have to keep going. Keep driving and pushing in the direction of our dreams. And disappointment, I guess, is just a rest stop along the way.

so... I go in for a blood drawn in the morning, but I know what the results are going to be... I've already taken A LOT (too many, more than I will admit to) HPT. all of them a BFN. I have possibly the worst cramps EVER. I want to cry.

My mind - my whole life - has been consumed by baby making. It's all I talk about. It's ALL I think about. I'm consumed by it.... and I'm annoying myself. My 2 week wait starts today.

May Day!

My nurse called me -- trigger shot tonight! My husband gave it to me about 10 minutes ago - and it wasn't bad. Now it's time to get to work! :) Will this be our month?

my new full time job...

Going to the fertility clinic for ultrasounds and blood work has become my new full time job! I go every other day - or more recently DAILY! My husband has been able to go with me a few times and each time he's with me my numbers are better -- coincidence? Things are finally moving toward the IUI, thankfully. This TTC process has been more emotional than I had realized it would be. I knew it would have it's ups and downs, I just didn't realize that it would have so many ups and downs in the same day -- in the same hour! Good news/bad news/happy/sad/scared/relieved. Ahhh... it's hard work! The good news is I have a 17 mm follicle in my R ovary! A few more mm and it's "go time"!

my follicle scan on Tuesday did not show any activity. :( We will have a scan again tomorrow morning (after 2 more injections). I want to be positive and upbeat about this --- but instead I find myself feeling disappointed. Should it really be this hard to make a baby? I'm a smart, educated woman... I know that even trying naturally to conceive does not always work on the first try -- I get that. But even so, a little part of me was thinking "this could work! this will work! oh my gosh! we're going to be parents!!!" blah. guess I have to wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Treatments...

So, 5 days worth of Clomid done -- I've had a few teary moments this week (included getting teary over seeing a ground hog. A GROUND HOG - really?). I've also had a really short fuse this week. Everything put me on edge! I did not, however, have any of the major hot flashes that I've heard about. Makes me worried that the dose was not enough. Tonight my husband has to give me my first injection of Bravella. I don't know who is more nervous about the injection - me or him! I give injections daily at work, but my darling husband?!? yeah.... not so much. I know it will be fine. I'm just so hopeful that this will work. I know the likelihood of this working the first time isn't all that great. But I am praying so hard that this works.

waiting....

I finished a round of Provera on Monday (4/9), so now I'm waiting for my period to start.
The disgusting part? Checking the Cottonelle has become my part-time job! I will start Clomid on day 3.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that we are actually doing something - we are actually working towards this, not just wishing and hoping anymore --- we're making progress. We've never done medication to conceive - I can't help feeling a bubbling giddiness. I know that it might now work. I know that I can't put all my home into this first cycle. I am an educated woman - I understand that things take time (and, um, money). But I still feel like this is it - this is OUR turn/our chance.

Now, I'll just wait (and check the TP), and enjoy a weekend with my favorite man!

This is how babies are made!

My meds are here --- I have to admit, the big box they arrived in was a little intimidating! But here we go..... Let's Make A BABY!!!!!!

had a great appointment with my fertility clinic... the ball is rolling again.

I needed to see this today.... Thanks for the nudge, God. :)

everywhere...

babies (specifically twins) are EVERY WHERE. I swear, I pick up a book that has NOTHING to do with fertility, and the main character delivers twins. I turn on a movie, and the woman has twins. I flip through a magazine, and there is a section about twins. I get Chinese food, and my fortune cookie is two cookies in one package - twins?

We joke that doing fertility treatments will give us multiples.

I said "JOKE".

but I wonder....

I just wonder.....

....and I kind of hope.

and even though I freak out at the thought of it all, I think, it wouldn't be so bad.

today was spent having a really good religious debate/discussion with a man who really knows his bible-stuff. He asked me a loaded question, a question that I've yet to shake...he asked me:

if you never have a baby, will you still be able to believe in God?

and I can't answer that. I want to say that yes, yes I will still believe. Still Love. Still desire Him. --- but in the back of my mind is that small voice that says: but you'll be resentful. But you'll have angst. You'll be even more discouraged.

I hate that I'm starting my year feeling discouragement. But this is hard journey and it takes a toll on me.